I am 26 years old and have been married for just over one year.
I love my husband, and I have found that -- like you suggest -- sometimes comfortable love can be less spicy than "antsy" love. I think when you're in love, your spouse forgives you for
being less than perfect.
So, what used to be an occasional "ugly" day becomes a weekend, which
becomes the entire week. I know I've thought to myself, "Oh, he won't care if I don't wear make-up today." And I have seen him demonstrate the same kinds of negligence.
Love means care and attention for your spouse...but that includes caring
for yourself for your spouse's enjoyment.
In my marriage I wasn't in love to begin with.
I was young and still extremely heartbroken over someone else, long story.
Anyway, Dexter was a good friend
and he talked to me like I mattered, but the biggest thing that has tore us apart is he would rather spend time with his young, single friends. This can destroy a marriage quickly, not to mention if
a young woman is not secure what it can do to her ego. I can tell you
The other thing is, ok , guys it may be okay to do the gross body functions with the guys but no
matter how much she loves you do that in front of your wife and trust
me she is going to be completely turned off. Take care of yourselves, this would go for both sides.
else that destroyed my marriage is sharing intimate info about each other. I know we all have that one friend that we share
everything with but somethings should not be shared. I won't go into
details but one of the thing that cinched my wanting a divorce is when I found
out that my husband had shared an intiment grooming habit of mine with not just one but a few of his students and he had been
discussing our sex life with others as well.
I guess what I am saying is what can make or break a marriage is respect or lack of it.
Hope this helps,
I can’t explain how much I love your emails!!
I’ve written a lot more than I thought I would, but this is one
of my favourite topics!
Please feel free to use what you like, to edit, cut out, put in, whatever!
I really don’t mind. Very glad you won’t be using my name!
Personally, I sometimes lose interest because my hubby isn’t taking
better care of himself, it’s a bit off putting! Also when he winds me up and does things that really annoy me!
It’s so true what your saying about couples, you can tell how good
or bad the relationship is by body language! Sometimes I annoy myself, when
I’m not doing my part, being content, pampering myself, being a gem to him, keeping the house tidy, not being touchy,
showing little interest when he is talking about something I am NOT
interested in, not dressing up and not putting fun into our marriage.
I find when I’m not doing my part passionately I don’t feel
good about myself, my husband picks up this attitude I have and mirrors me sometimes. When I’m on top, doing what makes the marriage all wonderful, my hubby is very attracted to me, but
can take me for granted, this is difficult, because I want something
special to come back to me!
I have found instead of saying ‘one day you’ll do something
special for me, don’t worry I know it’s a long wait!’ If I say things like ‘Ah Babe, I really appreciate the lovely things you’ve done for me lately, you make me feel
fabulous!’ Then show him how fabulous, with a big hug and kiss
asking ‘what can I do for you’ full well knowing I’ve done lots for him already! But it shows him I’m
willing as well as thankful for what I’ve got! This makes my
husband think he is doing a good job or at the least, that he got something right and he is encouraged to do more instantly!!!
When I do better I feel better, telling myself positive things even if
I feel down helps change my outlook and the day! Sometimes I’ve faked a good attitude and it has helped me see things were not so bad! When things really were bad the faking helped me get
back on track!
All I’ve written is from experience, trying things out, from books
and from reading Mimi's fabulous life-changing ebooks! I know I don’t know it all and always seek better ways of being a wife.
Mimi’s ebooks have helped me immensely to take action, to do new
things and to be charming everyday!!! I am a better woman and wife thanks to Mimi, she is like a angel with answers for all women!!! Get her books!!!
Mimi, I am learning so much from you! Have a fabulous day!!!!
I would love to contribute to your cause!
Thanks for the invite! To be honest, this is right up my alley!
I cheated on my ex husband. He worked
all the time, workaholic if you will. He would promise me that weekends would be for us, but when he'd get called in for overtime, he'd take it. He even worked overtime the day of [a major
family event]. We had been planning this party for like a year,
and he chose a 16-hour overtime position.
So anyhow, I was so sad and lonely. I had a few close friends,
so I got tired of staying home. We didn't have any children, so I was pretty much free.
Well, I met someone, and I cheated. My husband found out, and we
divorced, but what did he expect? All of the 'little things' stopped,
to me those are things that really matter! Now I'm dating a wonderful man, who has a 9 to 5 job, we spend weekends together,
and he does the cutest 'little things' for me.
you have any questions for me please ask. I'll help you in any way I can.
I believe that there are many more reasons for a lack
of interest by a wife in a marriage, but there are too many to list here! In short I believe that women or wives lose interest because they feel like they do all the work. Myself for an example; I feel
like I'm the only one trying to make my marriage work. My husband admits
he's lazy in our marriage and continues to do nothing about it. I get tired about feeling like I'm the only one doing the work.
My husband's pscyh teacher in college even told him that women
will tell husbands that there is something wrong, and by the time a man realizes
that there is a problem and is willing to fix it, the woman has moved on and usually it's to late to fix it in a marriage.
So maybe men aren't quite listening or comprehending that there is
something to fix?
The reason wives lose interest is because they get so caught up in the
trappings of life. They forget to take time out for each other; they let
the fire of love die down when all you have to do is make a little effort just do the little things spice things up once in
I recommend this book "Don't Sweat the Small Things in Love" by Richard
Carlson, Ph. D. and Kristine Carlson. it's a really good book on avoiding the habits that break down your loving connection.
Thanks so much, Sarah,
In my case, a lot more happened in my marriage than just losing interest.
But, on that one point, we most surely lost interest, or I did.
My husband rarely acted as if he was happy to be with me. He seldom
if ever wanted to go out and have fun. If I finally took the bull by the horns and planned an outing, he seemed miserable the whole time. He never sent flowers and acted like I was
a financial burden to him. Sex was boring because we had the
typical relationship: hardly spoke in loving ways all day, but then at night I was suddenly supposed to be in the mood. Basically, he was content to just sit at home and watch t.v.
We had no future goals together, and honestly, it became like living
with a brother. I know this sounds harsh, and I'm leaving a lot out, but it's the truth. If i tried to talk to him about these things, he got irritated, saying that he was trying
his best and I just wanted too much.
It got to the point where I stopped talking to him about it. Of
course, that was the kiss of death. As soon as the sex ended....it was
a matter of months before we were separated.
I know this sounds so negative and one-sided, and it is, but I hope it
answers your questions. I don't mind if you quote me.
P.S. From Mimi: I don't think this sounds
negative - it's just honest. It's painful to hear how her ex acted. I hope that Elizabeth finds great happiness!
I saw this cute Japanese couple when I went to Disney World last year.
They only smiled at each other once and that was it; no talking, no nothing.
But they were holding hands, which is sort of a good sign. I hope if I ever get a boyfriend, he'll show interest in me while
were walking around in an amusement park!
I realy enjoy all your email. First of
all. I am afrikaans and can hardly write in english. Excuse my English.
I love all your articles.
I always depend on my husband and don't know what is it to be independent. I read all your articles and gather other information and it made me realize how special I am. How important it is to
be my own person. How to work on our relationship. I am 42 and my husband is 47. I spend time on myself like watch my weight
and enjoy my body and life. The more I enjoy life and do things my way, the more my husband enjoy me, and the better for our
relationship. My children are out of school. One stays on her own and the youngest will leave for overseas in January. Now
it is me and my husband.
We do a lot of reparations on the house, gardening and his new interest in a new business
keep our communication going. We had very good friends that moved away. The only friends we have left - I do like them very
much and but the problem is the wife made a move on my husband. My husband still talk to them but I don't. We don't make friends
easily. We do go to movies. Take his mother out for lunch. When something hurts or upset us we talk openly about it.
This is the best time in my life, although sometimes I do get bored in
our communication (when we went to the restaurant he rather likes to watch the people than to talk to me - like some of the
things you listed. I am scared that this can fade because we should have friends too. What will we talk about in 2 years time?
Thanks for talking to you.
You know what I think? I think marriages are no
different from jobs, food, certain types of chores, etc. I guess it is human nature to want something different after a while. Imagine having to eat the same kind of food, prepared with
the same ingredients and served the same way every single day of your
life? or having to do the same job over and over, in the same organization, sitting on the same desk, and keeping the same hours for years on end. Isn't that downright BORING?
people in any relationship, more so those who are in a permanent relationship need to find ways to keep rekindling the fires
because when what attracted two people together starts to fade it is
obvious that things will not and cannot remain the way they used to be. That's one. Two, many couples stop communicating like they used to when dating/pursuing each other, and we all know that a
breakdown in communication is the biggest culprit in all relationships.
I strongly believe in communication - good or bad, calm or heated, you name it, I want it. I also believe in playing and staying a child.
Most of the relationships I have had that were really great are with
people who didn't feel stupid being playful. It is very important to introduce some silly time in your routine - jokes, laughter
- they have always worked for me and I think they can work for almost
everybody if only they try to relax!
And yes, you can tell a couple that is in a boring relationship from miles
away. I don't think it has to be this way but I also feel that it is
very easy to fall into this rut. It has something to do with a feeling of being trapped. You know, the end of the road kind
You get to know your partner so much that you can anticipate his/her
every move. This is boring and that is why it is important to keep a few surprises
up your sleeve to surprise your partner. How can one do this? One way is to read about other people's experiences and see
how they dealt with their dilemma. Another way is to talk about it
without necessarily having to let it be known that you are talking about yourself.
I have learned a lot from what I read from people like you and others
who are willing to share their thoughts, ideas and stories. I don't think
people should be ashamed to learn and try out new things, wives especially and especially those housewives who either wait
eagerly or dread the sound of the car in the driveway or the doorbell!
more thing, and this has got to do with the bedroom stuff. If you think sex is a chore, it will definitely feel like one.
Relax, fantasize and look forward to it - it will be worth the while.
Even if your partner is less imaginative, if you take the trouble to study what makes him tick and praise him while suggesting what makes you tick - I am sure you can get somewhere, don't you
think? I mean, who doesn't like to be acknowledged in their techniques?
Once you acknowledge them they are more open to hear what you have to say. Hey, this has worked for me so I believe it can work for somebody else too.
My, oh, my, am I making any sense? I feel
like I am tumbling all over my words. Hey, you can quote me on anything - I am happy to help anyone who things what I think or say makes sense to them. I am collection of what I have heard or
read. And you my dearest Sarah, have contributed a lot in molding a
new me. Thanks a million and please don't stop sharing your wisdom and insights.
Gotta go now, chat with you
some other time.
This is so much my situation. I am married
10 years with 4 beautiful children. I am fried. I am bored. My husband and I have nothing to share with each other. We are one of those couples who go out (occasionally)
and never say a word to each other. It is horrible. It has been
this way for a while. I see how bad it is, but he thinks it is okay. I know this is not the case. I am drifted....I
am gone ...it is sad. I think that men just get comfortable with
their life...think that because we are home we should be happy...we don't need...we don't want. They are so wrong.....
I have recently decided it was time for me to get on the road & do
something for myself....I have lost a ton of weight...I have started coaching...(my
passion) and committed to run my first half marathon this November. I am very excited..my husband on the other
hand could care less... I asked him if he would be there at the finish
line... he said what for....that is enough for me...
So... I will stay in this... for the kids... but I am no longer an emotional
Biggest turn off?? With me this is number one, he forgets that
I am a lady, that burping, farting, nosepicking, and smelly feet are disgusting.
He would never treat one of his female co-workers to a show of this kind of primal behavior, why should I have to see it?
Men seem to think that because they marry us - we will find them acceptable.
He expects me to act like the lady he married, I insist he act like the
gentleman I married.
After I had become intimate with a certain man , he started going to
a neighborhood bar where I was well known. I had many long-time friends who
gathered there, so I felt at home there. He started drinking rather heavily and after a few drinks, he began giving a blow
by blow description of our most intimate moments. Needless to say -
my men friends wanted to take him outside and teach him some manners and my female friends were embarrassed for me. It is not that what he discussed was not something that each one of them
enjoyed, but it was private and inappropriate in the bar. That relationship
ended shortly there after!
On the "Wives" topic - what do you recommend after 10 years of marriage
and two children, I find myself at the best weight and look I've ever had,
feeling sexier than ever, with a husband, who admittedly works hard but doesn't look after himself and has put on weight?
The problem is, I no longer fancy him. Yes, I love him, but as
And so, he and I have come to stalemate. We live together but with
no marital relations. I know that both he and I miss it, but I can't force myself anymore. And I think that even if he changed, it's too late now. That feeling for him has
gone. I don't think I'll ever get it back. Of course, the
problem is exacerbated by his snoring and his occasional binge-drinking. Oh,
My husband drains everything good out of me when
he makes ignorant little remarks under his breath about the things I do or do not do. He makes it a point to whisper
it loud enough for me to hear it but not too loud for everyone else in the house to hear. He is very negative and it
makes me negative.
As to the part of it being almost a chore to the wife... It is...Expecially
once kids are in the picture....
My ex husband would work all day and then come home and do nothing expect
me to do everything...I think the problem with that one is that most
husbands don't know what it takes daily to keep a house going and clean... And then by the end of the night the wife is so
tired she just wants to sleep... therefore to keep the husband happy
does soon become a chore...
I don't think this has to happen in a marriage and you're right there
is no such thing as a "little thing" because these so called "little things"
are really big things and can be the difference to the marriage working or not working.
Married couples forget what it was like when they dated...They almost
forget how to romance each other... They get "comfortable" in the relationship..Ok
we're married now this is it; they're mine and we'll be together no matter what blah blah blah...That's when the dressing
up for each other stops and when all the "little things" stop...
Obviously writing from firsthand experience...lol
Thank you so much for all the advice and encouragement to better myself,
as I told you before, your emailings have made a great impact on my marriage
and has given it new life. I wanted to reply to your invitation to share my thoughts on the subject of wives losing interest,
as I do have my own theory as well.
First of all, I think the biggest culprit that is destroying happy marriages
is the failure to resolve issues and harboring hurt feelings that lead
to resentment. People have to compromise when they cannot agree so it's a wise thing to agree to compromise before the problem
And also, thanks to you, I found that women need to feel attractive,
bottom line.... Every woman should strive to better herself. It's that very
token of advice that made me change my whole way of thinking about myself. If a woman lets herself go, she is closing doors
and is bound to become depressed and lose confidence, and this will
surely affect her marriage or relationships.
The best thing women can do for each other is to be supportive and encouraging,
women need friends. It would be great if other readers would share
the way they are pampering themselves, the goals they've set and their successes. I love your mailings and look forward to
each one with anticipation.
You give real advice that a woman can truly use and you do it with a
sincere sense that I am listening to a friend who really cares and
I appreciate that so much. Thank You Mimi!!!!! :)
I read your e-mail on what makes wives lose interest.
I have never been married but I did go through a long-term relationship that lasted 6 years, during which my ex-boyfriend and I lived together. I learned a few things from that experience and one of them
was what made me or my ex lose interest, and what made us wander into
this routine-like state that we found ourselves in.
By learning from my relationship as well as by observing and listening
to my friends who are in relationships, I think that not only women but
men as well, start losing interest as soon as the relationship starts being more of a routine, or repetitive. I have also
come to the conclusion that both parties start losing interest as soon
as they start feeling that they are taken for granted.
A third thing that may contribute to the loss of interest and maybe even
communication is when one or both people in a relationship stop taking
time to do things independently from their partners (and I don't mean work). I mean, hobbies or things like that. I mention
this because when you do things independently from your partner, you
always have at least that to to talk to your partner about.
Maybe another mistake
is that they do not look for things to do together as a hobby. I think a healthy relationship should give you space to do
both something for yourself independently from your partner as well
as something that only the two of you do (spend quality time together and make it fun and interesting for both).
Those are my two cents about why not only women, but men as well, might
lose interest in their partner.
Hi there, Mimi.
I am responding to your question, " What
Makes Wives Lose Interest?"
The biggest reason in my opinion is when a woman feels the man is having sex with
someone else - distrust. This is THE biggest turn off for a woman.
She feels that he is not devoted to her and why should she give herself to him? Some women have told me that they wonder
if the other woman's body fluids are on her husband, and it makes them
sick to their stomach to think that they could receive them.
Other reasons, not in order of importance
which can contribute are: disrespect, being taken for granted, no special time together, husband with too many outside activities, gaining weight (wife doesn't want sex), husband's lack of
interest in wife and making home nice; the reason that you mentioned,
she has too many chores and not enough relationship and doesn't want to bother.
I too believe that the little
things are what makes or breaks relationships, businesses, situations. The big things that happen, the catastrophes are taken care of immediately. It is those nagging little things
that we don't want to be petty about that turn into a pot of little
snakes that consistently bite us. Enough of their venom and we die!
I'm responding to your request for my thoughts on the evaporation of charming behavior within relationships.
You may quote me without my last name. By the way, your emails
are great and get me to assess and work through things on my own, which really is the best way to solve problems. You remember that old saying about giving a man a fish versus teaching him to
While I'm currently in a relationship that I am going to extricate myself from (after 9 years together),
I still think I've learned a lot. I hate to repeat yet another old
saying (I swear, I'm only 24), but one of our primary problems brings to mind the old saying about why one shouldn't buy a cow if the milk is free.
We were high school sweethearts, and I think we've stayed together more
out of convenience and familiarity than love. He is the same person I started dating, but I've matured as the years have passed. This has meant not only that his immaturity leaves
us emotionally incompatible, but also that I am less naive and am better
able to assess his personality.
I don't blame him, though, for never proposing. If I sit and really
think about the person that he is, I neither want to spend the rest of my life with him nor have him be the role model for
my future children. In that way, I suppose he's done me a favor.
On a more positive note, I do feel I learned
a few things that helped keep us going and will help my future relationships. One is that nudity should never be de-sexualized.
My friends have used the bathroom in front of their husbands and vice versa. They have walked around naked while dressing
to go somewhere. This has made their nakedness ordinary. My boyfriend and I have never seen each other use the bathroom,
and the only time I've walked around naked while getting ready is when I've intended to send a message. The result was that
the removal of clothing wasn't just about access to necessary parts or routine, but appealing on its own.
the experience of such a long relationship (we've lived together for 7 years), I know I have a lot to learn. He and I started
dating when I was a junior and he was a senior in high school. That means the last time I started something with a guy, flirting
was sitting together at lunch or thumb-wrestling (cut us some slack - we were ages 15 and 17 and it was an excuse to touch
each other). Aside from school dances and proms, "going out" was holding hands on the walk to our classes and sneaking kisses
in corners. He had to meet my parents before we could actually go anywhere together, and I know family introductions
don't happen so early for adults. I have no clue how to flirt with a man, how to behave on an actual date, or how to be comfortable
From Mimi: This letter really touched me. Lucy raises some excellent
points. I think that if she moves away from her high school sweetheart, he will all of a sudden, after all these years,
make a marriage proposal, but for Lucy, it may be too late.
I think it is a wonderful thing to remain with one and only one person
all your life if you can. I also think it's remarkable that some couples have been together since their teens, and in
so many ways it is very sweet to have this much life history together. I envy that in many ways. I wish the very
best for Lucy. Update - Lucy did start her own life - she recently emailed me.
I think what makes wifes lose interest is maybe not
falling out of love, but falling out of "lust." I know plenty of older people who are still so much in love (my
ex's parents) that you look at them and hope your marriage is like that. They still have the glossy eye look when they see the other one walk in the room or when they talk about them ...(ya
I am a waitress so I see the couples who have fallen out of "lust." My
best friend's parents have been married for 25 years. Over the summer
I was over there from 6:30 in the morning to 12 at night (study sessions, cook outs, hanging out whatever) almost every night.
When the husband got home from work, his wife would order pizza or
delivery from the local Chinese restaurant. The only time they had "homecooked"
meals (usually hotdogs or hamburgers or a boxed dinner) was when their daughter cooked it. During dinner they would all watch
tv. Then the husband went up to bed. I think this is a relationship
that has lost lust.
They don't talk more than 5 minutes a day. She doesn't clean (trust me,
I am the one who cleaned THEIR house...it was a mess...when my mom cleaned
her carpets for her, in the living room which isn't very big...after 64 gallons of water, the water was still coming up pitch
I think part of the losing interest part is letting yourself go... she
weighed 126 when they got married and now weighs about 250. I think
the physical part is a small aspect. The other things are losing communication, not doing your "duties" (I'm not saying
all moms should be stay-at-home and be a homemaker, but making a home-cooked
meal for your hubby once in a while should be on your list) Also, even though
you have kids, take them over to grandma's or an aunt or uncle's once a week and have an evening to yourself. That is
what makes a lot of relationships sour...not having any time for yourself.
I hope this helped you!!!
You are so right, Tabitha. I totally agree that it is a shame
that things like making good, home-cooked recipes, and cleaning the house and making it smell fresh, have gone out the window
for too many people in this stressed-out world we live in. There is simply too much going on; too much to do.
I think it's great that someone as young as you sees these things and has this insight into marriages.
Thank you all so much for your kind emails on this subject. I
appreciate them more than you know! I'm sure they will give many people a lot to think about, and make many people more
aware of their relationships - past, present, and future. -- Mimi Tanner