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Meeting In Person After Email Relationship

Love, Relationships, Self-Improvement
His Ex Is Still Around
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Romantic Love Can Be Very Tough
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Why Do Wives Lose Interest?
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Can LDRs Work?
Photos On His Computer
His Wife Has Changed
Meeting In Person
Be Yourself?
A Reader Asked For Your Thoughts
 
Read the email below first, then offer your kind comments in the guestbook.
What Is Your Opinion?
Tell Us In This Special Guestbook:

This letter from a reader.  Your thoughts?
 
Mimi,
 
Thank you for the emails...I am enjoying them very much at this difficult time.
 
I have my story to share with you and your readers:
 
Two years ago, I met a wonderful man (a professor) on the internet.  We started an online relationship and were what we thought was madly in love.  A year into the relationship, I went abroad to meet him.  He met me at the train station and he took me home.
 
Two days into the week, he asked if I minded returning home early.  My jaw dropped and tears flowed and he said he would compromise - I would go two days earlier than expected.
 
We made love that night for the first time because I thought it would bring us closer.  He felt very distant emotionally and was barely there sexually.  At one point, I felt like I taken him forcefully....
 
I went home and we continued to relate in cyberspace, albeit he did feel distant to me.  However, he did send me Valentines Day flowers (late in the day) and I was contented for awhile.  He did see some photos of me that I had sent.  However, they were only the very best poses.  Maybe he had had only those mental images of me.  Perhaps he was very disappointed with the real flesh me... I am attractive but a size 14.
 
A few months after that (one month ago) I met him at a conference that he was attending and we stayed at the same hotel.  We had separate rooms. We met for drinks late Saturday night and talked for two hours.  He then excused himself to bed because he felt rather tired.  I again felt rejected and insisted I go up to his room with him.  He reluctantly agreed and we again had sex.  Once again he was there physically but not there emotionally.  I told him that I loved him and he sniffed and hawed before saying the I love you too's.
 
What was supposed to be a couple of days and evenings together, turned out to be barely a couple of hours.  He didn't even ask me to spend the night. In fact...he didn't even remove my dress!
 
Did I tell you that I paid for my own drink at the bar?
 
Since then, he has refused to answer his phone and emailed me once to say that he needed some time for reflection.  I responded with anger and hurt and told him that I will never call him again and that he knew my number, address and email addy if he wanted to contact me. 
 
That was two weeks ago and I have heard nothing from him.  I have been tempted many times to call and email him but your email seminar messages are what is keeping me from doing so. He also has a birthday coming up and I am tempted to call then.
 
Before meeting me, he would call me all the time on the phone and it is across the ocean.  Since meeting me I have always done the calling.

He seems to go out of his way to 'un'romance me.
 
He has not seemed to want to invest his time, energy and money into me and our relationship.

I am feeling so hurt and abandoned.
 
Is it unrealistic to believe that he will call me?
 
For some very strange reason, even after all he has hurt me I still care for him.
 
--C.
 
Please sign the guestbook below to share your opinion. My opinion is below in red:
 
Two years ago, I met a wonderful man (a professor) on the internet.  We started an online relationship and were what we thought was madly in love.  A year into the relationship, I went abroad to meet him.  He met me at the train station and he took me home.
 
Two days into the week, he asked if I minded returning home early.  My jaw dropped and tears flowed and he said he would compromise - I would go two days earlier than expected.
 
First of all, it is sad that this happened after you invested a year in your online relationship.
 
However, when he told you to return home early, this is where you should have written this experience off as a loss - he simply was not interested. If a man wants you to leave, then you must leave - quickly. Don't force him or guilt him into making you stay.
 
We made love that night for the first time because I thought it would bring us closer.  He felt very distant emotionally and was barely there sexually.  At one point, I felt like I taken him forcefully....
 
This is sad on many levels, but the last thing that should have happened that night was sex. The man has his own problems but it's not worth discussing those, because he did let you know that he was not interested. He is a non-issue.
 
I went home and we continued to relate in cyberspace, albeit he did feel distant to me.  However, he did send me Valentines Day flowers (late in the day) and I was contented for awhile.  He did see some photos of me that I had sent.  However, they were only the very best poses.  Maybe he had had only those mental images of me.  Perhaps he was very disappointed with the real flesh me... I am attractive but a size 14.
 
A few months after that (one month ago) I met him at a conference that he was attending and we stayed at the same hotel.  We had separate rooms. We met for drinks late Saturday night and talked for two hours.  He then excused himself to bed because he felt rather tired.  I again felt rejected and insisted I go up to his room with him.  He reluctantly agreed and we again had sex.  Once again he was there physically but not there emotionally.  I told him that I loved him and he sniffed and hawed before saying the I love you too's.
 
It is not good that after another indication that he is not interested in you, you "insisted" that you go to his room! You can't force yourself on someone and this is what you are doing. Sex is not going to bring you closer to a man (unless you are mutually in love!).  Christian Carter says the same thing in his book (see above). 
 
Also - you don't love this man - you don't really know him.  Sex and I love you's are out of place after only two in-person meetings. Even after a year of emailing, it is just not a substitute for being in person with someone. There are too many subtleties about being in person with someone that you just can't get through email even if you exchange photos.
 
Online relationships are always risky in this way, so you must protect your heart and not give it away until you have met the person and spent a lot of time together in person.
 
Also, don't take it so personally if he is not interested. You had never met in person, so the chances were strong that chemistry would not be present. He's just not attracted but I would not attribute that to being a larger woman.
 
What was supposed to be a couple of days and evenings together, turned out to be barely a couple of hours.  He didn't even ask me to spend the night. In fact...he didn't even remove my dress!
 
Did I tell you that I paid for my own drink at the bar?
 
The man will probably go on to have more email romances that never turn into anything.
 
Since then, he has refused to answer his phone and emailed me once to say that he needed some time for reflection.  I responded with anger and hurt and told him that I will never call him again and that he knew my number, address and email addy if he wanted to contact me. 
 
Please don't take it so hard (easier said than done). He's just not interested but he's not the only fish in the sea - and now you have found out that he has the backbone of a jellyfish - he was not interested but he still let himself get talked into going to bed anyway, though he was very "half-hearted" about it. Not a pretty picture in any way.
 
That was two weeks ago and I have heard nothing from him.  I have been tempted many times to call and email him but your email seminar messages are what is keeping me from doing so. He also has a birthday coming up and I am tempted to call then.
 
It's good that you have stopped calling him. If he is actively avoiding you, then you must do that or risk being considered a stalker.
 
We've covered the birthday thing in our emails. Under no circumstances should you contact him, even if he loses a parent!  Not even then.  Not in this case. What good will that do? Forget him.
 
Before meeting me, he would call me all the time on the phone and it is across the ocean.  Since meeting me I have always done the calling.

He seems to go out of his way to 'un'romance me.
 
He has not seemed to want to invest his time, energy and money into me and our relationship.

I am feeling so hurt and abandoned.
 
Is it unrealistic to believe that he will call me?
 
For some very strange reason, even after all he has hurt me I still care for him.
 
I don't feel that he intended to hurt you. What has been painful is becoming so attached to someone who turned out to not be interested.  I'm sure that is hard after you had a good email romance, especially one which lasted a year.
 
But always, when you have not met someone in person, keep in mind that things can be TOTALLY not what either of you expected. It's not a reflection on your beauty, however. Attraction is a very personal thing. 
 
Most important of all is to redo your thinking on what to expect from men and how to read their signals - and how to react when they turn out not to be interested. Above all, do not ever try to make something happen when a man has spelled it out for you in one way or another that he is not pursuing you. 
 
In your case, since you are prone to pursue men who are not interested, at least in this case, be very strict with yourself and NEVER allow yourself to pursue a man.  Break this tendency by discovering how wonderful it is when a man does appreciate you and pursue you.
 
I am sure that someday in the near future when you are with a wonderful man who adores you, you will wonder what you ever saw in this professor. I hope that day comes very soon.
 
Love,
Mimi Tanner
 
Now readers, please share your kind and respectful comments in the guestbook below.
 
P.S. Readers, your comments are wonderful and thank you for being so empathetic with this situation.

  

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