Here is an email I just found in my Inbox
that will definitely get your attention. You'll either agree or get really mad. (Check your blood pressure if needed.)
This person was writing about an email
I sent in October called "Men Love Women Who Love Men" - which spoke about femininity in part.
That's the part that caught my eye first.
Here is her email:
Brace yourself, it's going to be a bumpy
read (but try not to jump to conclusions):
for that email. It was a relief to read it.
I am this kind of woman who naturally loves the company and energy
of men, but it does make me unpopular with women, especially married women (especially if they aren't as slim and well groomed
as me) and can cause me to be ostracized by these women in some social situations and this can be very uncomfortable and awkward.
These women are often very powerful
(in their own lunchbox). Usually the men don't even pick up on this bullying.
I think this fear of ostracism
could be the cause of many women deciding not to be feminine women...
What should I do about this? Even though
it's their problem, it's not a nice feeling to be disliked and I don't particularly want to have to leave my favourite hobbies
or sporting clubs.
Thank you, Claire! I appreciate your honesty.
I know exactly what you are talking about here.
One thing you said hit me first - before
I read all of your email - the part about "fear of ostracism could be the cause of women deciding not to be feminine."
WOW. That hits home with me mainly because
I almost always wear a skirt or a dress and hardly ever wear jeans. I don't think I look good in slacks. Other women can look
great in them, but I am about five feet tall, and slacks just don't flatter me. I feel very unattractive in slacks, but attractive
in a skirt. (Jeans look pretty good on anyone however.)
But I think Claire is RIGHT that women
tend to dress down and dress less attractively than they could so as not to seem like a threat to other women.
Why in the world this is the case, I don't
know - it must come from not wanting to seem like a threat to someone else's husband. It's a "married women" thing. And married
women are also notorious for changing from being a sexy young thing to hacking off their hair, donning slacks, and never wearing
a dress except to a very special occasion.
Somehow this is the unspoken truth that
many women try to dress down. Often if I'm going to a place where I know all the other women will be in slacks, I feel awkward
that I'm wearing a dress, because I think the other women may interpret me as trying to flaunt my femininity. I do not intend
it that way. I just look and feel a lot better in a dress or skirt. I like to feel feminine. I've been dressing this way for
so long that I don't think about it anyway.
I'm not exactly a Total Woman answering
the door nude in Saran Wrap for Mr. Right either - I have more than my share of hard-nosed business traits so it's not like
I'm a shrinking violet.
And what if a woman IS in competition with
another woman for a man? During any RARE time when I felt that I was competing for some man's romantic attention with another
woman who was the "slacks" wearing type - which most women are - I did feel by being one of the rare women who shows her legs
on a regular basis, I had the edge there.
And by the way, ALL of my women friends
wear slacks or jeans all the time. And fortunately none of them has ever acted like I'm strange for not wearing them.
Now back to Claire's original email. She
raises MANY topics that deserve discussion.
1. Loving the company of men
Many of us can relate to this. As a kid,
the girls bored me and I wanted to read Mad Magazine with the guys in my class. They were the funny and smart people back
then. (Now that I'm older it's a lot different. The guys are getting less and less smart the older I get. I appreciate the
rare exceptions very much!)
2. Social situations with men and women
As adults, when we're in a group of men
and women, if one woman ignores the other women and only talks to the men, then she does stand out as someone who dislikes
the women and who is trying to get all the available attention from the men that evening.
Women do have to walk a fine line in social
situations to show "loyalty" to their gender without seeming asexual in the process.
3. Bullying and men being oblivious to
what's going on between women
It sounds like you're seeing some claws,
Claire. You are sensing that women pick up on your attitude toward them and YES, if they think you don't like them, then they
will not like you. If they think you think they're dumpy, then that will turn them off. It sounds like you're projecting these
thoughts to them.
It gets really bad for the other women
if they go home and their guy talks about how nice a woman is - the woman who was stealing all the men that evening! Then
they have even more reason to dislike her.
To answer Claire's question of what she
should do, I suggest that if women are present, talk to them at the first opportunity, and find some common ground. If you
find yourself thinking that they are not attractive, look for what is attractive about that person. She's probably smart,
natural, sincere, kind, etc. After you get to know her, you may think she is very attractive and you may want to be
her good friend.
Other women who are "regulars" at wherever
you socialize need to be courted if you plan to be a regular there too. You must be friendly to them if you want to be accepted.
And in a tightly knit group, you'll have no choice.
If you are in a situation where you could
be seen as a threatening femme fatale, then tone down the flirt in you at that particular time. Don't spend too much time
with a group of men without resuming your conversations with the women in the room if that fits the situation. A man can ask
for more of your time.
We have to deal with the realities of the
unspoken social codes everywhere we go. Claire has raised many interesting points here.