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Boyfriend Makes Unwelcome Request

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Boyfriend Keeps Making an Unwelcome Request! 
 
Readers' Opinions
from Mimi Tanner's email column
This email prompted some responses that I know you'll want to read.  Here is the original email: (all names and details are changed for privacy reasons).   

Some of the recent emails I've received have caused me to think - before you work so hard to recover from a mistake with a guy (as my program Man Mistake Eraser is about) or try to get him back, make sure he is WORTH getting back.

The sad truth is that while some people do change, most don't change. You can get all sentimental about a guy - and then reality hits you in the face when you realize that not only has he not changed, you are way better off without him.

So before you spend a lot of energy getting a guy back, make sure he is really the man for you.
 
Here's an email which, frankly, upset me. It's the kind I would rarely share. But it is a very important topic, and one that people really need to know where they stand with.

As you'll see, this man needs to be dumped YESTERDAY.

"Dear Mimi,

"I have been dating a newly divorced man for about 6 months. It has been a rocky road, but we are getting along very well now and I love him. The BIG problem is that he wants to video us having sex. I've told him "no" but he'll ask every once in awhile and tell me it's about trusting him. I do trust him, but we are dating and the reality is that people who date sometimes break up and then what? Where will the tape go? Who might accidentally get ahold of the tape a year from now. I'm not sure I want to do this anyway - I don't need it. I might not like the way I look on tape! We both have children and don't have a lot of time for sex anyway...

"The situation that hurts me the most is that his birthday is coming up and I asked him what he wanted. He said he'd think about it. A few days ago, he said that what he wanted for his birthday was to video us having sex! Now my idea won't ever measure up to what he REALLY wants and I'm hurt. Now I don't even want to plan a romantic evening! I'm wondering if I'm the woman for him anyway because of this! What do I do? Is there a way I can resolve this with him and feel confident about giving him what he needs?
 
"Sincerely, Don't Want Sex on Video"
 
From Mimi: Unfortunately, there are SOME men who not only want some kind of photo or video memorial of you (excuse me while I choke on my soy latte) but like this woman writes, they will pressure you and pressure you about it until you realize that THEY have a very serious problem. The sooner you realize this, the better!

Yes, when I was just formatting this email and reading her letter again, I thought about her last sentence "give the guy what he needs" - he needs a black eye! Let's give him what he needs!

First of all, it's just plain crazy and stupid to put something like that on video or in a photo. Just ask the folks at Disney. (Somehow I don't think "High School Musical" will miss a beat anyway). What if you want to run for Congress sometime? What if you want to just be on the PTA? Do you know how EASY it is for something like that to be posted all over the Internet and recognized by everyone from your boss to your next-door neighbor?

You have kids. You'll have grandkids someday. You'll be dead someday. If you want a nude memorial of yourself, hire a real painter or something. But forget the camcorder!!

Obviously, she does not WANT to do this, but she likes this man, and that is her problem.

But I can tell her this much. When you start down that road, that's only the first request. It never stops there.

Truer words were never spoken. Let your friends' experiences confirm that for you - don't let it happen to you, though.

And chances are you will break up.  And then you'll have even more to worry about. How many copies will be out there? A guy like this may want to share his wonderful "indie" with his friends. Don't worry he says, they would NEVER show it to anyone else... yeah right. People like this have COLLECTIONS.

Suppose you don't break up, but marry this charmer. Well, one day, your child will dig up this video in the attic, and your life will change forever - more importantly, so will THEIRS.

But it's not just about the videoing, and believe me, that's more than enough. It's about a guy who keeps asking a question like this when you've already said NO.

The asking of the question alone showed his true colors -

RED for RED FLAG.

GREEN for GO: Get the Heck Away from Him and ignore all calls from him!

And WHITE for how PALE you should be at the thought that you might have married this character and found out his real "needs" right after you sent out the thank-you notes...

It's always easier to see this stuff from the outside looking in. I truly wish her the very best.

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Man Mistake Eraser - How to Regain a Man's Interest" 
 
Responses from Readers:

Oh boy! Thank you for that last email! Funny thing is, I can't help but wonder if that 'video man' is my ex-husband!

After we were married he asked if he could video tape us! I responded with such a profound NO! that he never asked a second time. Our sex life never got off the ground (RED FLAG I should have paid attention to PRIOR to marrying him!)... he had some serious issues...to me, it is not a normal response to vomit and get headaches following sexual relations with your wife that are meant to be loving and bonding.

In the end I found a briefcase he had that was FILLED with homemade videos of him with various other 'actors'...he even had a name for his 'production company'. I was floored! In the 7 years we were married I could not interest this man in anything sexually with me and here is was on video engaging in sex acts. I was so furious I ran over the tapes AND the briefcase with our SUV until they were little, itty, bitty pieces. In hindsight I wish I would have saved them as 'evidence'!

Finally he admitted that he was addicted to p----graphy of every form and that I did not turn him on sexually (and I am quite attractive to many people!). He wanted to know if I would stay married to him while he went through years of treatment. After weeks of serious soul searching...I declined. I blessed him and wished him well. We recently finalized our divorce. His birthday is in the middle of next month, like the woman in your email. I just cannot help but wonder if this woman is dating him! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. We all need those doses of reality to stay on track.



In response to the woman who doesn't want to be videotaped having sex. Dump him and dump him now. Sounds like the beginning of my relationship with my husband of 18 years. I finally dumped him after learning the source of a huge amount of grief, anguish and sexual incompatibility for the length of the entire relationship. He is a sex addict. He was when I met him and it took 16 years to reveal the problem. Needless to say after that many years of suffering there was little to piece back together. If he has a computer, check it out and see what he spends his time looking at.



Oh, THIS letter upset me!

This lady better run for cover, not walk but RUN!

If she loves him.........(joke!) If he loved her, he wouldn't ask her such a thing. It is very clear WHOSE wishes he cares about and it sure isn't hers!!!

I am worried about her - she MUST be young!

So many men are "sick" in the head, some more than others!!!! Don't call them animals - that's a compliment.

"If they can send one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?!"

I'm still fuming over this!



Mimi--

Before I say what I had intended to say--I have to wonder--this woman says 'It has been a rocky road...'I can't help but wonder what she considers 'rocky'...

Guys like this make me ill. There are sooo many of them--making sex--especially sex that their significant other finds objectionable--a 'gift' for their birthday, or Christmas, etc. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex--it's about control--pure and simple. If this woman is smart she'll disappear from his life so quickly and completely he'll start to wonder if she was ever really there.

"Alan"



You hit the nail on the head Mimi. What about what SHE wants? It shouldn't all be about him. A real man would understand that if she's not comfortable with that, then he should let it go. Pushing it implies other motives. I hope she dumps this child - he's not worth the 10 cents of the tape.



Mimi,

Tell that girl to get the heck away from that guy! He's no good & only looking to sew wild oats! This dude will destroy her!!!



She should give this man what he *really* needs: a year of counseling with a qualified therapist!

He has issues that she'll never be able to solve, and shouldn't try to. A woman should never be her man's therapist, it's crossing lines that should not be crossed.



Mimi,

Please tell "Don't want sex on a video" to run as fast and as far away as she can from this man. I see a totally different perspective - that of a controlling abuser.

Any man that will continue to pressure you for something that you have said a stern no to will eventually show himself and allow the abuser to come out. I should know I married one. His request was to bring another woman to our bed; not for him to participate but to watch us together. I am not lesbian nor am I bisexual and I have no desire to be with a woman.

He accepted this for the moment - long enough to get me married. Then I never heard the end of it. I continued to refuse. Then one day he says, what if I bring you another man home and I get to watch you with him. I initially said no but then said yes (with no intention of ever following through) but that is when he became violent and began cheating with woman who would allow other women in their bed. Oh, he wanted to video tape us, too. I would never allow that either.

So tell her to run, run far, far away and never look back. And I am divorced from that heathen in case you were wondering.



I agree, scary stuff.......... Surely if he loved and cared about her he would not be putting pressure on to do something that she is so obviously uncomfortable with.

Plenty more fish in the sea - leave him and become a good swimmer :)

 

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