Her Boyfriend Had Photos on His Computer

This letter from a reader came in this week. Readers, please advise:

Hi Mimi,

I have been reading your emails for a couple of months now and I've really enjoyed the regular insights - you always put something new and extremely relevent forward to ponder! Well, right now I have a subject of my own to think about. It's most likely a very common issue between a lot of couples but I'm just not sure what to think anymore. The story goes something like this....

A couple of nights ago I went to my boyfriend's computer to check my emails before bed. (Any guesses already?) I had been round to his flat for dinner and some guests were still in the living room at the time. So here I am on his computer and I decide to look on his 'history' bar. Yikes I can almost hear you thinking... Yes, I found a list of webpages on there, one after the other, depicting young ladies, in various states of undress but mostly naked, in various positions, doing various things. Now, me being an emotional woman I promptly went into the living room and asked my boyfriend (who was still with his guests) if I could 'have a word'. My heart was pounding and I was feeling very sick. Pretty soon my boyfriend was feeling the same way. He was utterly indignant and furiously angry. His first reaction was to call me 'stupid' a 'troublemaker' and an 'idiot'. He then proceeded to lie and retreat into total denial.

Now, I fully admit that I did the complete wrong thing in dragging him into the bedroom at that most inappropriate of times. But what I do not regret is looking at his computer because now I feel I know better the kind of man I am going out with. My ex-boyfriend (who I loved like no other) was always a porn kind of guy. He was so utterly sexual, and young at the time, he would 'relieve' himself three times a day! I once caught him in my bed on the morning of my 21st birthday with his member in his hand, looking at a scantily clad female in one of my magazines! Of course that incident too made me feel awful, but at least that boyfriend was honest. He explained to me his relationship to titillating material and assured me that I was the princess of his heart and the sexiest girl alive.

But my current boyfriend is not so honest and not so reassuring. He is venemently defensive and refuses to see why I may be disturbed by what I found, even now. He has told me a number of different tales to explain the webpages - that it was his roomate (who has his own internet-connected computer), that he 'accidently' clicked onto the images, that this was the only time he had ever looked at images like that (even though he's had the internet for two years - what are the odds I peek at his computer on the only day he has been up to no good??) At one point he even said that it was practically my fault because we hadn't been getting along very well recently! It's fair to say that we have argued quite a lot lately but to blame me! It makes me feel terrible. There's nothing wrong with our sex life - we have good sex regularly, especially as it's spring.

I'm just not sure what to make of it all. I spoke to a couple of close friends and I've had mixed reactions. Two male friends, when I broached the subject of porn said that when they have a girlfriend they never really feet a proper need to oggle other woman in magazines or on the internet. In some ways society seems to dictate that it's ok for guys to look at porn, partner or no partner - leave the men to their porn, it's their own little thing that has nothing to do with anyone else. But does it? One of the men I talked to genuinely wondered why someone needs to look at naked women when they are getting all the sex they could want from their own beautiful girlfriend? Then again, the female friend I talked to claimed that she wouldn't even bat an eyelid if her boyfriend looked at naughty images. She claimed she'd wonder about it for a while then be over the whole thing in a shot.

I'm 25 years old (my boyfriend and I have been together for two years) and I'm looking for some kind of serious commitment with a man, I want children in my thirties and I'm starting to wonder how much longer I should be carrying on with my current boyfriend. He does love me to bits and I can tell he's dismayed that he's hurt my feelings, he just doesn't seem to have the first clue about how to properly treat a woman. He's never had a long-term girlfriedn before and one of the reasons I got together with him and stayed with him is because he always seemed so faithful, a real 'good boy'. But now I'm starting wonder if he's just like all the rest, only he's in complete denial about it. If I were to speak to him now he'd say something like 'no! I didn't, that's what my friends do but not ME'. But then he did and he's already admitted it. I'm just not sure where to go from here, the more time goes on the less objectivity I seem to have. Will I trust him again? What action can I take?

Gosh, that just poured right out there didn't it Mimi? I hope I didn't bore you... Thanks again for all the advise so far.

Sincerely
"Connie" (not her real name)

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